Is it just me?? I doubt so.

I feel so unjustified. When my mum and my bro are logger heads at each other, my mum will start being nice to me. Obviously she's afraid of being alone and well knowing that i'm a extreme softie at heart, i would hold nothing against her. Lest say keep my guard up against her. OK..i know there are bound to be a few of you reading this and disagreeing with me. But i'm the one facing it and if those of you who disagree with me, maybe you can take my shoes and walk in them for a mile. But i bet you'll crumble at the weight and all after a few blocks. So let me say this. I detest the role that i have to play when i'm at home. And it all boils down to detesting my mum from time to time.

My mum often complains that she doesn't like my bro's ex-gf's mum. And guess what??!! She still allows him to go visit her at her place!! Oh..not only that. She even lets him stay over at her place. And today is the last straw. She actually let my bro grab a bottle of red wine from home (plus alot of other gifts he bought when he went out) and give it to them!!! My goodness!! Is she deaf and blind to her own words and actions? If i were to tell her that i am still keeping in contact with my BB, she'll go insane. And if i were to tell her that BB's still my girlfriend..HA!! She's gonna start screaming, threatening me with suicide and throwing me out of the house. But then again, i'm not afraid of her throwing me out of the house now coz i've a job. When you've got a job, you've got an income. With income, anything is possible. Money makes the mare go round. But it's just the suicide thing. Coz everyone in my estate knows my family as my mum the the famous rule-by-the-rod tutor. So if the civil service ambulance comes to my place again, me against a few hundred mouths, i would become the unforgivable sinner. Oh well..but i guess those of you who still thinks i'm wrong to detest my mum as stated in the 1st para would already think that i am already that unforgivable sinner.

After all these spades of events between my bro, his ex and my mum, i've only 1 thing to say. They are all weak. One moment crying then next screaming and fighting. If all doesn't work, then they start saying that they want to die. To me, both are like the typical women of the olden days. Yi ku, er nao, san shang diao. How childish. If life was that hard to lead, i would have been the first one gone. They've not tried placing the blade near their skin and watch the blood slowly seeping out of the wound as i had when i carved myself. I was 12. My first encounter with sweet soothing pain. Mum said i just wanted attention. That was not true. I wanted not attention but the feeling of being near death but yet not endangering myself. My mind was sound and is still sound. But how sound will it be in future?? I don't know. The most beautiful way to die is the most painful. Not jumping off the cliff or slashing your wrist or hanging or anything that others have tried. It's just inducing an heart attack. But for my BB, i will keep my mind sound. And i will definately outlive my mum who has caused almost all of my misery.

Like what my friends who understand what i had gone through, am going through and will go through in future had said. Save yourself. Get a stable job with a stable income, start having savings and move out. I have come a long way from rejecting my exes when they ask me to stay over to finally work out ways to overnight at my BB's. Moving out is the last step. I need time and alot of planning. But when the time comes, the time comes. I just need my savings and a pre-planned place to go to once that happens, which is of course my BB's place. Who would be happier than her other than me. =P